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Post by Metal_Man on Nov 13, 2002 23:33:08 GMT -5
Guess whose birthday it is?
Can you believe it?
Monica Lewinsky turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
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Post by LoRd Of OrIoN on Nov 15, 2002 6:23:09 GMT -5
The little boy got to accompany his dad to the public bath house to take a sauna. Beside them on the bench sat a man whom the boy studied verry carefully. -What big feet you have mister, said the boy. -Yes my boy. It's because I've been walking alot through my days. You've got verry big hands too mister. -That's not so strange. I've been working hard since my youth. You get big hands from doing that. The boy sat quietly for a moment. Then he bursted: -But mister sure hasn't peed alot!
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Post by Led Metal on Nov 20, 2002 4:51:38 GMT -5
back in the day me and my buddies would snort quick. except back then we called it The Q. we thought... quick...speed...there has to be some kinda connection...
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Post by LoRd Of OrIoN on Nov 22, 2002 5:44:46 GMT -5
Hu?
Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
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Post by Leviathan on Nov 25, 2002 20:56:48 GMT -5
So there's this elephant and she's walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, she steps on this thorn. The pain is unbelievable and it's in just such a spot that she can't get it out, so she's stuck hollering in pain and jumping around. Right under all of this is an ant's house, and his walls are caving in from the commotion, so he goes up to have a look. "What the fuck is YOUR problem?" says the ant to the elephant. The elephant explains that she's got this thorn in her foot and can't get it out. So the ant says "Okay, I'll help you get it out, but if I do, you've gotta let me fuck you in the ass." So the elephant thinks about it for a second. It's an ant, how bad could it be, right? But most of all she just wants the thorn out, so she agrees. So the ant gets the thorn in a headlock, really digs in, and the thron pops out. WAVES of relief for the elephant. The ant gets up and dusts himself off. "Okay, NOW I'm gonna fuck you." "Whatever," says the elephant. The ant crawls up her leg, wrestles her tail out of the way, and starts going at it. And he's really getting into it, slapping her ass and all that. She's just trying not to think about it. Meanwhile, there's this monkey up in the coconut tree above them that's been watching this whole thing, and he thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever seen in his entire life. So he starts pulling cocnuts down and whipping them at the elephant. One hits the elephant in the head and she yells "Ow!" And the ant looks around and says "Yeah, take it all, bitch!"
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Post by Voldemort on Dec 2, 2002 0:59:09 GMT -5
3 guys walk into a bar, a priest, a pedaphile and a homosexual. oops, that was just the first guy.
blaim playboy for that one. lol.
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Post by WarriorOfMetal on Dec 3, 2002 19:11:01 GMT -5
a priest, a rabbi, and an atheist are on the titanic as it's sinking.
the rabbi says "save the children!"
the atheist says "fuck the children!"
the priest says "do we have time?"
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Post by Metal_Man on Dec 5, 2002 1:28:58 GMT -5
THE JOYS OF BEING MALE Your rear is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white shirt to a water theme park. Foreplay is optional. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay. Wrinkles add character. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
And, Finally, . . . . . . One mood, all the time.
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Post by Metal_Man on Dec 5, 2002 1:30:35 GMT -5
Computer Company Memo
Replacement of Mouse Balls If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
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Post by Mav-O-Matic on Dec 5, 2002 1:33:25 GMT -5
hahahaaahah
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Post by Chilis- on Dec 6, 2002 22:41:23 GMT -5
lmao!
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Post by Led Metal on Dec 7, 2002 3:07:18 GMT -5
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
=========================================
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him. Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what's wrong? The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby boy.''
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "Well it's obvious that you should put him into a mental institution."
''Why,'' asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."
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Post by ex-250 on Dec 8, 2002 16:12:22 GMT -5
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Post by gimp on Dec 19, 2002 7:53:36 GMT -5
The CEO's of Budweiser, Coors, Miller and Guiness are sitting at a table in a restaurant when the waiteress comes over to take thier drink order. "What can I get for you gentlemen to drink?" The CEO of Bud replies "I'll have non other than the King of Beers, an ice cold Budweiser." The Ceo of Coors says "Theres nothing like pure rocky mountain refreshment, give me a Coors!" The CEO of Miller says "It tastes great and less filling, bring me a Miller Lite."
Finally the waitress comes to the CEO of Guiness. "And what for you sir?" "Hello Darlin, why dontcha just bring me a Coke please." Shocked the waitres asked, "A coke? Are you sure you don't want a Guiness?" To which the man answered "Well if no one else is drinking beer, why should I?"
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Post by R-I-C on Dec 19, 2002 19:34:24 GMT -5
That one's great, hehe, take that American beers.
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