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Post by Dlognar on Jul 11, 2002 13:45:37 GMT -5
Ahh. Well, that explains that.
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Post by rich on Jul 12, 2002 4:28:08 GMT -5
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
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Post by Dlognar on Jul 12, 2002 11:30:18 GMT -5
See if I can get this right. I heard it on The Man Show last night and it was acted out by chimps.
Man walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, "I got so drunk last night I went home and blowed chunks all night!"
Bartender says "So thats not so bad?! I had a guy in here that got drunk, drove home, got pulled over by the cops, spent the night in jail, got home, got into a big fight with his wife, knocked over a candle,and burned his house down!!"
Man says, "No you don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
The part that the bartenders says I had to improvise. I couldn't remember it all. ;D
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Post by Toxic_Avenger on Jul 12, 2002 13:47:32 GMT -5
chrissy, was that the monkeys? that sounds like one of thier jokes. damn that man show rules. ;D
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Post by Dlognar on Jul 12, 2002 14:01:15 GMT -5
yea Chimps = monkies ;D
I don't watch it often. I was only watching it till Nash Bridges got to a part I hadn't seen. ;D Don't ask.
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Post by Toxic_Avenger on Jul 12, 2002 14:03:06 GMT -5
you know you watch it all the time, you know you pull out the electric drill when the girls on trampolines starts. ;D
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Post by rich on Jul 12, 2002 23:55:44 GMT -5
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Post by Voldemort on Jul 17, 2002 0:18:15 GMT -5
a guy walks into a bar. dumbass.
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Post by rich on Jul 17, 2002 6:49:57 GMT -5
since when were poles called bars?
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Post by Dlognar on Jul 19, 2002 11:06:02 GMT -5
What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on a chin? A Blow Job.
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Post by rich on Jul 19, 2002 19:37:29 GMT -5
hahahahahahaha
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Post by Dlognar on Jul 25, 2002 10:47:04 GMT -5
Midget Huevos One day a man was pissing in a public bathroom and a midget walked in and set up a step-ladder. When the man looked down, he noticed the midget staring at his balls. "Excuse me, sir," said the midget. "I was just really admiring your balls. Mind if I hold them?"
"Why not?" said the man.
So the midget grabs onto one of his balls and says, "Now give me your wallet or I'll jump!"
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Post by Led Metal on Jul 25, 2002 23:09:13 GMT -5
ahhhahahaha....OW! note to self...never let a midget hold your balls...
A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street with a "For Sale" sign on it. A man stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would so the man bought it.
A while later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success. The man noticed the boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!"
The boy said, "Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start."
The Man said, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any cuss words!"
The boy replied, "You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come to you!"
Clintons first draft
Members of Congress... people of America...
I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.
The only babes in DC I haven't tried to do are Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. And the First Lady. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the icewater coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his cracker-jack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. The stock market is higher than some D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust. Anybody with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' is wondering the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hot number with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
Thank you, good night and God bless America.
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Post by R-I-C on Jul 25, 2002 23:17:17 GMT -5
Amen. ;D Damn Clinton was great.
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Post by Dlognar on Jul 29, 2002 12:08:49 GMT -5
The "No Love" Boat When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals and said in a demanding voice: "Listen up! There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis. All of you males, take off your penises and hand them to Jim the Monkey. He will write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."
After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife and very excitedly said, "Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Shit!" shouted Mr. Rabbit and out he went.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.
"What is the matter with you? It's raining to end the world, there is no sign of letting up, and there's no chance of finding land."
"But we HAVE to get back to land - look!" said Mr. Rabbit with an impatient look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!"
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