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Post by WarriorOfMetal on Jul 29, 2002 15:13:56 GMT -5
LOL
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Post by Dlognar on Jul 30, 2002 11:54:23 GMT -5
The Talented Parrot A guy is not getting along with his wife, and is lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to find a companion. He spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez. I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word, says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing but, well… I wrap my little pecker around this wooden bar, it's like a little hook. You can't see it 'cause of my feathers."
The guy is amazed and looks at the price tag. "Two hundred dollars!" he says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer."
The guy offers 20 bucks and, sure enough, walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What?" says the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time.
"What happened? "What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
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Post by WarriorOfMetal on Jul 30, 2002 16:26:57 GMT -5
that's awesome!!!!!!
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Post by Dlognar on Aug 1, 2002 12:04:08 GMT -5
Gay Bank Teller Why did the gay man get fired from his job at the sperm bank?
Drinking on the job.
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Post by LoRd Of OrIoN on Aug 2, 2002 4:44:21 GMT -5
A young Chinese couple got married. On the wedding night, the wife lies naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My dalling, I know dis yu filst time and yu flighten. I plomise yu, I give yu anything yu wan, I do anything yu wan. What yu wan?" "I wanna numma 69", she replies. "Yu wanna Cantonese beef with bloccolli now? ?"
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Post by WarriorOfMetal on Aug 2, 2002 9:31:54 GMT -5
i've heard that one before i think
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Post by Dlognar on Aug 9, 2002 16:40:25 GMT -5
Where He Put His Pickle... There once a man who worked in a pickle factory. He had this very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. This went on for years, and finally he couldn't stand it. He decided that he had to do it. The day he finally did it he arrived home from work at 11am. His wife was very worried and asked what happened. For the first time, he explained to her this long-time desire to put his dick in the pickle slicer.
The man's wife gasped and ran over to him, yanked his pants and briefs down, and found his member perfectly intact.
"I don't understand," she exclaimed, "what happened to the pickle slicer?"
The man replied, "I think she got fired, too."
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Post by Leviathan on Oct 3, 2002 21:38:11 GMT -5
Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter", he replied and reached into his tackle box pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did ya get dat monster??" "Vell..", replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie." "you haff a genie?" Sven asked. "ya shure, he's right dere in my tackle box," said Ole. "Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me von vish?" "Yes I will", the genie said, So Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!" Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell ya he's hard of hearing. Do ya really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"
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Post by WarriorOfMetal on Oct 4, 2002 14:33:37 GMT -5
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
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"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"
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"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'"
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Post by Chep on Oct 6, 2002 23:24:26 GMT -5
hmmmm...funniest jokes in the world
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Post by Metal_Man on Oct 7, 2002 22:02:20 GMT -5
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance
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Post by R-I-C on Oct 7, 2002 22:39:31 GMT -5
Lol, that's great.
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Post by Metal_Man on Oct 17, 2002 23:48:41 GMT -5
READ BEFORE LOOKING AT THE PHOTO BELOW. A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other, and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there." The mechanic gave the blonde a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." Now look at the photo below.
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Post by Leviathan on Oct 19, 2002 1:41:07 GMT -5
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for....It is about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs... (B} - Barely there. {C} - Can't Complain! (D} - Damn! {DD} - Double damn! {E} - Enormous! {G} - GEEEEzus Christ! {F} - Fake.
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Post by Metal_Man on Oct 19, 2002 1:45:05 GMT -5
haha i like that one. my wifes boss sent that to me once. she is cool. heh
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